[This collection includes non-standard limericks: extended limericks and limerick poems, etc].
There was a young man of Kalamazoo
There was a bloke, Barrymore, oh such a pain,
A repulsive fat woman named Dworkin
It's well-known there are fish in a lough,
There was a Prime Minister, Blair,
Burmese Days is a George Orwell story
March 10, 1992
Anytime you do business with me,
Said a London detective named Jason:
There was this famous actor, Rock Hudson,
There was once a young fellow named Major
Said a Jock: Of my race, I'm so proud,
[Yeah, I know, Burke and Hare were Irishmen!]
There was a chess player named Frost
There was once an arthritic giraffe
[Originally published in Neck, December 1986.]
The vicar said: "What a disgrace
Said a molecule one ancient day:
24th October 1984
Was a Libyan student named Qaafi,
There was a fair judge named Macrae
There was a young homo, McShane,
When a randy old Russian named Giat
A good year was 1984,
But living's not been such a blister,
December 21, 1984.
[Ten years after writing this I realised that dikes don't die of AIDS!]
For the ST I don't give a toss,
There was once an old fellow who lived in a tub
A self-employed shyster, Adoko,
A lovely young maiden named Dowler
September 20, 2002
There's a fellow called Ob from Nigeria,
January 29, 1985
Adultery isn't a sin,
Said a medium fellow named Home:
There is a magician named Blaine
Dave Blunkett is one of a kind,
There was an ex-boxer named Bruno
October 20, 2003
There was a con-man named Ski-Adam,
There was a bloke named IDS
Velikovsky the euhemerist
Or perhaps the poor fellow was drunk,
But the men with a sci'ntific yen
Still, we've come to expect men of science
For it seems that religion has not
Because science is an oligarchy,
But they're nice people, and I don't jest
There was a magician named Randi
John Leslie a rapist? May-be,
There is queer fellow named Jacko,
There was an old woman named Roper
There was a young lady named Sloan,
Said a learned philosopher, Kurtz:
The truth is, the psychic detective
A terrible blight is this SARS,
There was a strange fellow named Ted
There was once a young fellow named Icke
There was an old slapper, Ulrika,
There once was a writer named Wilde,
The Marquis, he sent Wilde a note:
Shortly afterwards came his arrest,
On release from his punishment place,
There was once an unfortunate fella
There was a bald faggot named Pim,
If my limericks you don't like,
There was an old man of Iraq
October 20, 2003
If you should see something you want
This guy screwed a virginal chick,
Said an eel to a fish: It does seem
An accountant from Glasgow named Mac
There was once a young fellow named Moss
There was once a decorative ponce
There was once a young man who said: Swimming
There was a young lady named Pat,
There was a young lady named Pat,
There was once a queer doctor from Putney
There was a charming lady doctor by the name of Phoebe
Was a fellow of Ness, name of Jock
There was a young girl, a Norwegian,
The nationalised industries' profits
There was an old fellow named Foster
There was once an old lesbian, Julie
There was an old man of Thermopylae
There was an old man with a beard
There was once a young fellow named Goetz
Said a young Swedish fellow named Bjorn:
Said a trainee inspector from FAST
Said two Kenyans who bought an Atari
He found jerking off so appealing,
There was once a young fellow named Grubba
A depressive young fellow named Kruger
A well-built young fellow of Stoke
There was once a young fellow of Turkey
There was a young girl of Tahiti
There was once a young lady from Bedford named Pratt
There was a young lady from Slough,
There was a young maiden of Jeddah
Brixton, 1997
There was a young man from Al Qeida
There was a young man of Brasilia
A Tongue Twister: Kalamazoo Sue
Had a girlfriend, Sue,
And a smew called Slew.
He said to her:
"O Sue, be true and never stew my smew,
For if you, Sue, should stew my Slew,
And if you tricked me, Sue, to chew
The stew of my smew, my stewed Slew,
I'd chew, then spew my stewed smew Slew over you."
An Ode To Michael Barrymore
Who plied a young butcher with booze and cocaine,
Now he's out on a limb
Come a 3am swim,
Let us hope he's not seen on our TVs again.
Andrea Dworkin
Disapproved of men' leerin' and gawkin'
"I never give head
Cos I hate sex," she said,
"My flesh creeps at the mere thought of porkin'."
Bird In The Bush
But it isn't well-known that the chough
Is a similar bird,
To the jay - that's absurd?
They are of the same family though!
Blair Scandal
Who said: Honest I am, I do swear,
I must be, you see,
My wife is a QC,
And if I weren't, she'd so declare.
Burmese Days
Of a perplexed young fellow name Flory
Who does himself dead
With a shot through the head:
A tale that's both tragic and gory.
Cash On Delivery
Don't expect to get anything free,
For whatever your merit,
I'll give you no credit:
I buy and I sell C.O.D.
Cunt In Disguise
"My promotion to sergeant I'll hasten
If I'm good at my job,
Have a care with my gob,
Hold my drink, and become a Freemason."
Doris Dazed
Was reputed to be quite a stud, son,
When he died, Doris Day
Exclaimed: "Rock Hudson, gay!?
I would never had thought him a dud, son."
False Prophets
Said: I think it's a terrible wager
That in this century
The PM I will be;
She'll go on till my retirement age, 'er!
Forget Me Not, Scot
And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud,
Till the end of my days
All my brothers I'll praise:
Except Burke, Hare and Ally McCloud!
Frost Bitten!
Whose path in a libr'ry I crossed;
He played a mean game,
Cold and hard like his name,
But I still am the champ, for he lost.
Giraffe Gaffe
Who when given a polka dot scarf
To protect his long neck
From the cold, said: "Oh heck!
Look at this, the hyenas will laugh!"
Grave Offence
'Tis a sacrilege here in this place.
But the groom was quite willing
And said: "It's so thrilling
To lie on a slab and embrace."
How Life Began
"I'm so tired of this transient way,
Existing, abating,
Without replicating."
And presto! So was DNA!
Isl'Armful Joke
Had a pet rat he Christened Qadafi,
Ignoring a rumour
His leader's ill-humour
Would make his blood boil
And his own career spoil;
Now the rat can be found
Six feet under the ground
Lying next to his owner,
Because the old groaner
Qadafi,
Took the joke in bad taste,
Told his hit men go waste
The young creep: "He will not at me laugh-i!"
Judge Macrae
Who said to a bloke, Doyle, today:
"A menace you are
With the guns in your car -
Five years for you. Take 'im away!"
Mike McShane
Who said: Sex in the arse is a pain,
But the pain is, I fear,
Far outweighed for a queer
By the pleasure: let's do it again!
Moscow Manoeuvres
Took a girl for a ride in his Fiat,
He asked her "Com-rade,
Would you like to get laid?"
But the girl slapped his face and said "Nyet!"
Nineteen-Eighty-Four
With Bhopal, Ethiopia and more,
Like the miners on strike,
And the gay man and dike
Both dying of AIDS by the score.
Least not for the housewife and mister
Of Britain; Big Brother
Is not here to smother
Our freedom, instead, there's Big Sister!
No Will Power: A Limeraiku
Fast.
But can it last
Twelve hour?
No will power!
Can it last?
No! Blast!
Ode To DOS
And the Mac's famous front end is dross,
For the Arch' and Amiga
I've never been eager
Because I'm addicted to DOS!
On A Modern Cynic
Disdainful of wine, women, song and good grub,
But when offered shares
In BT, he said: Where's
My cheque book? such easy dosh I cannot snub!
On Akena Adoko
Whose pleadings are rather a joke-o,
Is now in the pit
Branded vexatious lit',
After driving a High Court judge cocoa.
On Amanda Dowler
Was kidnapped, and she didn't howl, 'er;
Silent carried away,
Now this September day
I'm informed that she looks rather foul, 'er.
On An Anonymous Nigerian
Whose gob is distinctly superior,
Which is rather good luck,
For his brain's full of muck
Of a kind that's distinctly inferior.
On Blunkett's Downfall
But if you fuck Kimberly Quinn,
While Home Secretary,
You'd better be wary,
You might have to pack the job in.
On D. D. Home
"From thin air I'll make in this room
A ghostly apport."
"Yes", came the retort,
"When the lights are turned out, I presume!"
On David Blaine
Who stood on a plinth in the rain;
His tricks are real clever,
But baby you'll never
Convince me he isn't insane.
On David Blunkett
But one thing that puzzles my mind,
You don't need be very
Smart to secretary,
But how does he type if he's blind?
On Frank Bruno
Who's not brain of Britain, as you know,
But recently he
Has been going loon-y,
As all members of his old crew know.
On George Adamski
Who said: Your believing me, Madam,
And buying books
From this most bare-faced of crooks
Makes me rich, (and you know that they're mad 'em).
On Iain Duncan Smith
Who said: "Though this party's a mess,
My apathy is
So great for this bus-
I-ness, that I couldn't care less".
On Immanuel Velikovsky
And His Detractors
Must be daft as a brush to insist
That Venus collided
With Mars and then glided
To where to this day it persist'.
Or as mad as an old Tsarist monk,
For when one analyses
His weirdo surmises
And theories, they're shown up as bunk!
Won themselves little credit back then,
By the paranoid treatment
They gave to his statement,
Suppressing the works of his pen.
To insist on the total compliance
Of the comm-un-i-ty
With the way that they see
Laws and theories: God help the defiants!
Quite a total monopoly got
Of the bigoted type
Who de-pre-cate as tripe
The less orthodox reasoning lot.
And the scientists are despots who see
Every man in the street
As outside the elite
If he hasn't an honours degree.
When I say they've more brains than the rest,
As have all our dictators,
And like all dictators
They know who is right and what's best.
On James Randi
Who said: Uri Geller's a dandy,
He always can bend
Spoons and forks, but, my friend,
Only when a magician's not handy.
On John Leslie
But what is a near certain-ty,
Is that Ulrika J,
Game, or unwilling lay,
Has fucked his career in TV.
On Michael Jackson
Regarded by all as a whacko,
He owns lots of toys,
And he sleeps with young boys,
And he's not sure if he's white or black-o.
On Mike Tyson
Who said: My girl married a groper
Who thought it a jape
To fondle and rape,
Now he's doing six years - a no-hoper.
On Nadine Milroy-Sloan
Who went to the coppers to moan:
"A victim of rape!"
She cried, then agape
Looked on, as in clink she was thrown.
On Paul Kurtz
Atheism is something that hurts;
I'd like to live forever,
Alas, I will never;
Death is everyman's just desserts.
On Psychic Detectives
Is quite useless and ineffective,
That crimes are solved by
Such con men, I'll deny,
The evidence for...is defective.
On SARS
It kills old folk, kids, and their ma's,
Hong Kong's in the thick,
But the Chinks aren't as sick
As the vectors of filth in gay bars.
On Ted Bundy
Who bashed young girls over the head,
They fried sicko Bundy
The day after Monday,
And folk rejoiced that he was dead.
On The Son Of God
Who said: People can think what they like -
I'm the Prophet of God
And a wealthy young sod,
So I don't care if they take the mike.
On Ulrika Jonsson
A well-known publicity seeker,
Who turned men quite pale
When she swallowed her ale
With one fell swig from a pint beaker.
Oscar Wilde
Whose sexual habits weren't mild,
In fact they'd appear
To be shockingly queer,
For a nobleman's son he defiled.
To the sodomite Oscar, he wrote.
Oscar Wilde sued for libel,
But soon got an eyeful,
And backed down against the old goat.
And poor Oscar was surely distressed
When sentenced to do
Hard labour for two
Long years as Her Majesty's guest.
He departed in shame and all haste,
Thus, hard up and exiled
Did poor Oscar Wilde
Spend the rest of his life in disgrace.
Pie-Die
Who survived his wife's arsenic paella,
Then went out and bought
A chicken pie, caught,
And dropped dead from a bad salmonella.
Pim Fortuyn R.I.P.
In Holland, went out on a limb,
Now he's been shot dead,
Gunned down by a red:
The left didn't think much of him.
Reply To An Allegation Of Spamming
I would suggest: Dude, on yer bike!
The kill file is there
For all you who care
My anapaest ravings to spike.
Saddam On Blair
Who said: "Things don't look quite so black
Now that Tony Blair
Has had his heart scare,
Pity 'twas not a full blown attack!"
Save Then Spend
But you're hard up, there's no need to rant,
Just say: Fair enough,
I'll buy it soon, though
As things stand at the moment, I can't.
Screwed Up
He thought he was one clever dick,
He may well have been,
But the chick was fifteen,
Now this clever dick is in the nick!
Something Fishy
Rather strange seeing you swim upstream,
When salmon do this
There's nothing amiss,
But you're not one of them, you're a bream!
The Accountant From Glasgow
Told his client: It must be a hack
For your company is
Doing excellent bus-
Iness - and should be well in the black.
The Computer Consultant
Who said: Do this to minimise loss -
Back up all that you write,
Run chkdsk every night
And save files when you exit to DOS.
The Decorative Ponce
Who designed cards in several fonts
To advertise whores
To perform dirty chores
And satisfy old fellows' wants.
The Dirty Dieter
Is an excellent method of slimming,
But a far quicker way
To lose weight if you're gay
Is to practice fellatio and rimming!
The Dirty Whore Named Pat (1)
Who said: Oh I do so love scat,
But the first guy she saw
Said: You vile, depraved whore,
I'd have to be sick to do that.
The Dirty Whore Named Pat (2)
Who said: Oh I do so love scat,
I don't give two fucks
For the pricks of young bucks,
But I like them to shit in my twat.
The Doctor From Putney
Who advised a young man that his cut knee
Would heal better if treated
With poultice of heated
Asparagus powder and chutney.
The Doctor Named Phoebe
Who said: "My homo patients make me realise how clean we be,
They fuck each other up the bum,
Eat shit, drink piss and suck on cum,
And they're infested with AIDS, gonorrhoea and amoebae."
The Fellow Of Ness
Whose proud boast was: The size of my cock
Is far bigger than
That of any man
Or of anything found in the Loch!
The Girl From Norway
Went to bed with a kinky Glaswegian,
She said to him, "Jock,
Whyever's your cock
Exploring my nethermost region?"
The Gravy Train
Have for many years been in the red,
For these poor overstafféd Miss Moffets
Have been fleeced from the tail to the head
By the overtime racket
Which boosts the pay packet
Of ev-e-ry blue collar worker,
And the perks which are lining the jacket
Of ev-e-ry white collar shirker
While the tax and rate payers are bled.
The Old Fellow Named Foster
Sent his daughter day tripping to Gloucester,
This young girl full of zest
Met a fellow named West,
And alas, now her poor father's lost 'er.
The Old Lesbian
Who declined to have sex with a coolie
With a tart: That's no thrill
Fucking old Sun Chung-Kill;
I'd be much better off with some mooli!
The Old Man Of Thermopylae
Who couldn't get hard-ons properly,
He wanked and he spanked,
He yanked and he cranked,
But his prick would stand up only floppily.
The Old Man With A Beard
Who said: "It is just as I feared,
Two pheasants a-plucking,
Two turkeys a-fucking,
Two owls coughing pellets,
Two swans and two pullets
Have all of them shit in and smeared
And thoroughly dirtied my beard.
The Subway Vigilante
Who said: I've been mugged, and it sure hurts.
So the next time a gang
Attacked him, it was bang!
His assailants got their just desserts.
The Swedish Vegetarian
Though I once had a penchant for brawn
I gave up eating meat
And instead now I eat
Vegeburger, cheese, tofu and Quorn.
The Trainee From FAST
The crime of software piracy's nast-
Y, but I'm glad it's here
Because one thing is clear:
My new job's better paid than the last!
The Two Kenyans
(A laptop): Lucky young fellows are we
Because ten years ago
We could never, you know
Take a hard disk and fax on safari.
The Wanker
A curious, orgasmic feeling,
That he lay on the floor,
Hit the fireplace, the door,
The window sill, wardrobe and ceiling.
The Young Fellow Named Grubba
Who went out with a dirty old Scrubber
And wisely said: If
I want to avoid syph',
When I fuck her I'd best use a rubber.
The Young Fellow Named Kruger
Contemplated the end with a Luger
In his hand, but had not
The courage, so got
On a ferry, the one from Zeebrugge!
The Young Fellow Of Stoke
Told a whore that he wanted a poke
Fellatio fashion,
And gave her a ration
That made her cough, splutter and choke.
The Young Fellow Of Turkey
Whose sexual habits were murky,
For he buggered a pig
In the back of a Mig,
And was known ever after as 'Perky.'
The Young Girl Of Tahiti
Who dreamed of the star Warren Beaty.
"Wishful thinking, my lass,"
Said her man, "cos your ass
Ain't gonna get screwed by that sweetie."
The Young Lady From Bedford
Whose ménagè a trois practiced oral and scat;
One lover would poke
In her mouth, t'other bloke
Would sit on and shit on her twat.
The Young Lady From Slough
Who as soon as she'd taken her vow,
Had it off with her groom
On the top of a tomb
In the churchyard, the randy old cow.
The Young Maiden Of Jeddah
Whose tight-fisted parents ne'er fed 'er
On curry and rice
Or anything nice,
For main course she had bread and cheddar.
The Young Man From Al Qeida
Who dive bombed his father's hang glider,
But 'twas not Jihad
Killed the lad, said his Dad,
It was twelve pints of Olde Englishe cider!
The Young Man Of Brasilia
Whose hobby was gerontophilia,
Till his partner dropped dead,
"I guess now," he said,
"I'll have to take up necrophilia."